Hi, you're in a cell but it is not your choice
No light, and all you hear's my disembodied voice
Cold, however we might be releasing you
But first, there's several things that you will have to do:

Criteria
They're mandatory requirements
Please satisfy all elements
Each one's a m-u-u-u-u-ust
Criteria
But we won't tell you what they are
This is a bit like Franz Kafka
You'll have to gu-e-e-e-e-ess

What are they, these special tasks that you must do for us?
Sing "Why Me?", or waterboard yourself without much fuss?
Reciting a sonnet of Shakespeare, or pledge yourself to Kim Jong-Un?
Denouncing your father, your brother, betraying your seditious son?

Criteria
The sands of time, they trickle down
You've gotta get a move on now:
Time's running o-o-o-o-o-out
Criteria
And now you start to Riverdance
That's good, we wanted you to prance:
You're getting cl-o-o-o-o-ose

You can-can, you kick your legs up very high
You're closer, but not enough to satisfy
Criteria…criteria
Your time is u-u-u-u-u-up

Criteria
Oh dear, you haven't met them all
So stand with your back to the wall
You're really f-u-u-u-u-ucked
Criteria…criteria
We shoot you d-e-e-e-e-ead