In my life, always I've strived
To remain chaste in my mind
Mocking and laughter, all eschewed
I keep a stern demeanour

So when I first went online
All the smut sent chills up my spine
Of all the impure filth that I found
One site was worst of all...

Called the "Alternative Lyrics Contest"
A most debaucherous cavalcade!
Where all evil, immoral acts are
Mocked and put on display!

A band of sinners who claim they're authors
A front for all their obscenity
To confront this gang, I'll be taking a stand
For good morals and decency!

Belarus needlessly bombed
Fetish gear, weird love and bongs
Why must they mock the sparkling careers of Josh and Gisela?

Rhubarb pie, la vache qui rit
Fancy bras, campaigning pigs
It cannot continue under my watch!
Yes, something must be done

Ban the Alternative Lyrics Contest!
Sign my petition at change.org!
'Cause I swear I won't stop my protest
Till this filth is no more!

I'll contact all of the major papers
They're sure to act 'cause I'm eighty-nine
And when this affront to morality's dead
All our lives will be more refined

But as I trawled through the vile smut, I felt some inspiration, oh...

Love the Alternative Lyrics Contest!
My mind has gone through a turnaround
My demoded views are discarded with too
As I enter for the first time

With an entry based on events in my life
"Anal Felch" to Finland 09